Disclaimer: This post is honest so don’t judge me. It’s sort of funny to me and full of honest mommy moments.
Before giving birth I was secretly fascinated to hear other mothers’ birth stories. I imagined what that day would be like for me. I would daydream endlessly about that day.
Would I be at work or at the mall when my water broke? Or would I exceed my due date and have to be induced? Well the good Lord decided around 12:30 midnight about 3 weeks before his due date that it was time for him to come- so I was able to avoid being in the mall or at work when my water broke. The funniest part was the hubs thought I was having false labor but the almost immediate contractions told me it was not a drill.
When I saw my baby for the first time I thought I would smile, coo, and we would take those intimate mommy, daddy, and baby pictures people post on Facebook. Instead when I finally met the person who laid on my bladder and irritated my sciatic nerve for months I really didn’t know what to think. After an 8-hour hospital labor and delivery experience that allowed me to deliver without complication or incident I remember looking over at him being weighed and cleaned up wondering if he had all of his fingers, toes, and visible body parts. After that was confirmed I thought, “What in the world just happened…I just delivered a baby…a human being…that means I’m a mother now…am I supposed to smile or cry or say something…this is kind of weird.” Both sets of grandparents were there and there were smiles, tears of joy, and the flicks of cameras, but I was still having an outer body experience. When I finally held him he was so little and just laid there and looked at me. We both stared at each other and he probably thought the some of the same things about me, “Is this my mom…where am I…why am I wrapped up like a burrito…is that my dad…what am I supposed to do now.”.
Alright, honest mommy moment here: Yes, I loved my baby and was thankful that he was born, but that was about where it started and stopped! I wasn’t feeling that ethereal attachment I saw in movies. Was it coming? [Nobody told me!]
Attachment noun at·tach·ment \ə-ˈtach-mənt\: strong feelings of affection or loyalty for someone or something.
In those first few hours and days about motherhood the word attachment came to mind. This quality did not fully develop in me until later and that was okay for me. Hell…he was my child and we were stuck with each other! Don’t start thinking I didn’t hold, talk, or sing to him or attend to his needs because I did. I just still looked at him with the ‘side eye’ like, “Who is this kid?” for a few weeks!
As he grew and began to explore, formulate words, and become expressive, that attachment grew and grew and grew. He’s like a real live person now! We have full conversations about all sorts of things. We laugh. We cry. We explore. We read, eat, dance, play, cook, and have fun together as a family. Now when I hear a mother’s birth story and she talks of falling in love with her child instantly I still remember my initial feelings of trepidation and some non-feelings and think, “For real…you’re in love already…okay?!?!?” Relationships take time to to evolve for me and the connection with my child was no different. I’m sure when I tell him his birth story and how I looked at him sideways he will have an earful for me…but hey, we/I made it past that point and look where we are now…damn near attached at the hip! –krystal